by floob

First of all, let me just say what a joy it is to be back out here on the Cascanadians beat, which is only kinda not really a thing, because the site we used to run went by a different name. But we never left, we've been plugging away at this here forever, just firing posts into a void that I'm sure somebody read, but it wasn't you. Unless you are in charge of the void. Like you're Red Skull or something. My mom couldn't even read those posts, but I know she tried.

When we learned that a) the popular mid 90's webhosting platform geocities no longer existed, and b) the other one, angelfire, did, well, the transition over was obvious. 

Stace already told the whole story, so I won't go into further detail, but I want to reiterate that this is why I'm joining the Cascanadians, and that writing about those reasons why we joined a site is a concept we invented (google it!), and we're happy to be back at it.

(don't google it) 

The idea was to launch this new endeavour ahead of the official existence of the Seattle Kraken, which we did, but so many things happened between the expansion draft and today, July 26th, 1996, that it was hard to keep track of everything. Then the Montreal Canadiens drafted a sex criminal in the first round of the draft and it deflated any motivation I had to shine light on all the good stuff that preceded it.

Stace, however, pointed out that this is a blog that is, at its heart, about one thing only: The Edmonton Oilers. And if they are known for one thing, it's that they make us very, very happy. Realizing that we are on the precipice of GM Ken Holland trading picks to acquire the rights of, and then signing to a 6x9 year contract or something like that, one Zach Hyman, well if that doesn't get your creative juices flowing, nothing will.

What I want to do is take everything funny that happened across the Pacific Northwest and adjacent (read: Alberta) over the past few days, and distill it down into its purest form, like Homer taking an entire spaghetti dinner and mashing it all into one digestible bar. I forget what happened after that, I'm sure it turned out fine. Basically I'm just going to list out everything and then tell a cute little story out of the details. This is going to go great.

So let's recap:

- The Seattle Kraken blinked into existence, an awesome new force willed from the ethers of the hockey content gods, desperate for us to explore the lighter side of something other than the fact that the entire history of the New Jersey Devils is a sick illusion some vengeful forest spirit is blighting us with.

- The Edmonton Oilers re-signed journeyman 39 year old goaltender Mike Smith to a 2 year, $4.4 million (USD) contract extension

- The Edmonton Oilers re-signed journeyman 39 year old goaltender Mike Smith to a 2 year, $4.4 million (USD) contract extension

- The Edmonton Oilers re-signed journeyman 39 year old goaltender Mike Smith to a 2 year, $4.4 million (USD) contract extension

- The Vancouver Canucks waited until the final year on three of their prohibitive cap hit contracts, unloading Loui Eriksson (UFA at season's end), Jay Beagle (UFA at season's end), Antoine Roussel (UFA at season's end), a first round draft pick in 2021, and second round pick in 2022, and a seventh round pick in 2023, for six seasons of a now washed and broken rearguard Oliver Ekman Larsson at over $7 million (USD!) per season, and Conor Garland, who will assuredly be traded away before he reaches his peak. I know this is not particularly relevant to Cascanadia, but we are all extremely big fans of Canucks GM Jim Benning. We admire his perserverance in finally getting the guy he wanted to hold back his blueline a year after he initially tried to wrangle him. Check out their capfriendly page, I'm sure they're not still in cap hell

- Mark Giordano is now a member of the Seattle Kraken. At least that's what it says here, I've seemingly blocked out any memory of this happening. If it's true, I'm excited to see him become a fan of the Seattle Mariners, and also inevitably coming to hate his former hometown Toronto Blue Jays, two things I believe we can all agree is the right path for any of us.

- There was a leaked video from the Pike Place Fish Market in Seattle where it showed "definitive proof" that the Seattle Kraken were selecting Tyler Kerfoot from Toronto in the draft, instead of recently acquired, even more recently exposed Jared McCann, who turned out to be who Seattle really had eyes for. My two favourite little flourishes on the top of this cake were a) the guy who leaked the video posting DMs from a user who claimed to be the one who took the video, that it was legitimate, and then deleting his account after he insisted it was real and it wasn't, and b) some dude in the replies that said it had to be legit because it was at an actual famous landmark in Seattle.

God this is all so delicious

- lol

 - Multiple NHL teams drafted guys who look like various interpretations of Christopher Moltisanti

- One team who skewed from this trend was the Arizona Coyotes, who brought Josh Doan into the family, introducing him to some kind of Stonecutters society because he is the son of Shane Doan, the world's most famous kinda just okay hockey player. Shane Doan was a pallbearer at Senator John McCain's funeral. That's not news, I just love bringing it up whenever Shane Doan becomes a topic of conversation.

- The Kraken picked up free agent defenseman Adam Larsson from the Oilers. Larsson, who the Oilers very much intended on re-signing to a long term deal, even reportedly having a new contract in place, had to expose Larsson to Seattle after they traded Caleb Jones and a draft pick for old and expensive Duncan Keith, without having Chicago retain any salary on Keith in the swap. Read that again if you feel like it. I did. I'm doing it now.

- It was also reported that Larsson has decided to stay in Seattle in part because of "the litany of 1 for 1 jokes everyone still makes" in reference to the equally hilarious circumstances that brought him to Edmonton in the first place. I love the Edmonton Oilers.

- The Kraken also selected Morgan Geekie from the Carolina Hurricanes. This is not particularly newsworthy, but this tweet is good, so that's why we're bringing it up:

 - The Philadelphia Flyers for some reason traded for Buffalo Sabres shitpile Rasmus Ristolainen. I don't have much more on that, but man that's fucked up.

- I kinda spoiled this one off the hop, but if you thought the Oilers were done making our day, well, the Zach Hyman deal is imminent. I don't particularly want to expand on that right now, because I know I'm incapable of coming up with anything nearly as funny as what this deal is going to end up being. I'll just say I was really sad when Peter Chiarelli was released by the team, but it turned out I never had anything to worry about. I hope the Oilers live forever.

- 9/11?

- Throughout all this, cultural touchstone and everyone's favourite University of Manitoba's favourite political science graduate Jim Matheson faithfully transcribed it all, giving his trademark journalistic prowess and hockey acumen along the way. That guy has never had an opinion on the Edmonton Oilers that I have disagreed with. A treasure. A Hall of Famer. My grandpa? Remains to be seen.

- I just want to say it one ore time: Mike Smith is back in Edmonton for two more years.

I think that's it. Man, what an abundance of joy meted out over a short amount of time. I got overstimulated just trying to write this. It's time for me to do that thing I'm famous for, which is using my well known literary gifts to turn this into a compelling story, one that draws the reader in, and ends on a hook, prompting the reader to believe there's more to come. People are always saying how I'm doing this. Let's give it a shot:

A massive squid appeared, freed from the shackled of the depths of the sea, causing untold commotion in the unassuming port town nearby.This caused shockwaves across the region, prompting an old shithead stayed home, while all the rich coastal elites in neighbouring communities, both out of fear of the cephalopod, coupled with a desire to wile away their days in a dry heat on the golf course, migrated south to reitre, allowing a rich millenial to swoop in and lay claim to their overpriced homes in the process. Word of the squid brought a bald mariner in search of new adventure into town, setting sail to observe the traits of the beast in it's natural habitat. His crew, yet to be assembled, was a topic of discussion and mystery at the market, but the debate quickly disapated as a loudly dressed man from the nearby thrift shop soon had the attention of many young Italian men, while one lone outcast sharpened his elbows as a tribute to his father.

Back east, a transplanted citizen who had endured years of being the laughing stock in town, was beckoned by the squid, tantalizing him with new experience, to the point where he found himself eschewing a lucrative opportunity at his current employ in favour of joining this new ragtag squad at sea. There was controversy at work anyway, as an executive from another division had moved to town and promised to wreack havoc on the organization, so it was an easy decision in the end. They were joined by a young cosmopolitan boy, who had travelled from far away, torn from his old life of being encumbered in gold and enjoying the finer implements of high society. He felt weary about his new life, but promised himself to Never Forget it while embarking on his new journey. 

In unrelated news, a man is moving to the old country to flaunt new wealth (this part was really hard to tie in to the story), his story still untold, but a veteran scribe will be there to shout his accomplishments to all those who are in his wake.

This is the ongoing story of the realm of Cascanadia. 

by stace